I used to relate all too well to Drake’s line in HYFR: “All my exes live in Texas like I’m George Strait”. Whew, what a word it was. Once I started traveling, however, I started collecting exes from all over the world. Here’s a farewell to all those fellas who significantly impacted me enough to make this list. I don’t believe they’re all bad people, and I’m not bitter about the demise of our relation(situation)ships. I’m writing this letter for closure so listen up:
- First Love Bae: Even though you proposed to me (sans ring of course) I’m glad I never took you up on your offer. Being my first love taught me so much about love and what toxic relationships look like. People don’t realize how hard it is to let go of someone you love dearly but at everyone has a breaking point (Shoutout to Keri Hilson). I sometimes forget about our threesomes or the fact that we lived together at one point. Those six years flew by. I’ve almost completely forgotten that you were sleeping with my trash bag of a friend during and after our relationship. I almost forget about the time I literally caught you in bed with the girl you claimed was “just a friend”. Tuh! It’s quite funny to me now but a few years ago it felt like the ultimate betrayal but somehow I still loved you. I hope you’re happy and thank you for loving me. I check your Facebook a couple times a year and it looks like you’ve already gotten married. God, please bless the woman who’s committed herself to you for life. Be fruitful and carry on.
- C.J.: Wow, falling for you happened so fast. It wasn’t just the Caribbean yacht party in Dubai and it wasn’t just because you looked like Boris Kodjoe’s younger brother. I liked your accent and of course you were such a gentleman right off the bat. If you didn’t know this, I actually drunkenly peed my pants at that all white party and played it off like that didn’t happen. Thank you for introducing me to a beautiful friend who’s been a great influence in my life. I really thought you were “The One” for a while because you possessed many of the qualities I love in a man. You had a job, you were smart, you were fine and tall, and you had that sexy accent. Our time spent together was unparalleled and I haven’t had a relationship or situationship quite like it since. Remember when we would spend the whole evening just listening to music and swapping stories? Remember when we went to the beach together? Remember when I met you and your friend in Amsterdam that one Spring Break? Remember when I was celibate and gave you a weak ass hand job and you had the nerve to suggest I use lotion? Lol Clearly I wasn’t interested in sex but of course you had to make it all about you. Remember when you texted me inviting to move to Mexico with you? You were so adamant about never settling down so it truly came as shock when you invited me to move to Mexico to be with you. It’s funny how the universe gives me what I want when I don’t want it anymore. I’ve never been the type to uproot my life for the possibility of a “relationship” with a man, especially a man who had never been in a relationship to begin with. I miss you sometimes, though, and I know I wasn’t in the best place last summer when you hit me up. I had words I needed to get off my chest and I had the time to share them with you. Hit me up again though, and fly me out to Mexico for a good time.
- Straight-Backs: Whew, Chile, Straight-Backs! You are hands-down the best, most consistent lover I’ve ever had in my life. Your mouth, your tongue, your hands, and your stroke game have all been blessed by God Herself. I doubt anyone’s gonna have the gall to tell you this but straight-backs aren’t what’s popping in these 2019 streets but, hey, if that’s the look you like, so be it. Passionate sex and straight-backs aside, I feel like we weren’t equally yoked but you intrigued me. I also felt like you weren’t completely over your ex and you just entertained me because you didn’t like being single. I’m sorry I posted those flyers about you but I’m tired to cheating ass dogs getting away scot-free. Good luck and God bless.
- Vacation Boo: Wow, I almost forgot to list you because our rendezvous seemed so long ago. I had no intention of meeting you in Jamaica and falling for you so quickly. I had no idea you’d actually visit me overseas either. You really had me for awhile with all of those Marco Polos and sweet nothings. Even the constant communication was something I grew to love and look forward to when I was abroad. You’ll never know how happy you made me and how special I felt when you came to visit me. To be honest, when I visited you for New Year’s Eve I wasn’t too sold on your living condition but I survived. It hurt me when you dropped me for some chicken-head, only to come back a year later like, “What it do babyyyyyyy?!?!” No sir. Your time is up. Be blessed and take care. I don’t think you’re a bad person and I hope you get everything you’ve ever wanted.
Quincy Abrams 